A Letter to my Horcrux

fyeahborderlinepeople:

kavitiya:

bpdbreakdowns:

I  want you to know you are the center of my world. I exist in relation to you. You hold a piece of my soul, a piece of my self, and because of you I am able to do many things that I would not.

I’m not saying this to be sweet. I’ve likely found that most people, if they believe me at all, think this is creepy or even dangerous. It’s probably difficult for me to tell you this, considering all the stigma I’ve faced as someone with a borderline personality, but I need you to know that in some ways I am wired differently and that I will need certain things or act certain ways that most people wouldn’t and that may be alarming to you. Borderline people can put people they feel strongly about onto a sort of pedestal, and if this isn’t adequately communicated about, it can lead to a lot of turmoil and I don’t want that to happen between me and you. I want you to have an idea of what you’re getting into so you can support me, I can support you, and nobody gets hurt.

This is not a romantic attraction. It may exist in conjunction with a romantic attraction or a relationship, but it’s also possible that there is no romantic attraction or that I feel really strongly about keeping our relationship platonic. This is not a mutually exclusive relationship; I may be able to have more than one horcrux, and you are free to get your emotional support wherever and however you please.

I may want to negotiate physical contact and displays of affection. I may want to negotiate a lot of things, such as emotional support or time spent with each other. This again does not imply a romantic attraction, it is just helpful for me to know where you stand.

I probably didn’t choose to latch onto you the way that I have. Most people don’t choose how they feel about people, and I’m no different in that regard. 

Most people, at some point in their childhood, will latch onto someone else, if not a parent maybe a sibling or a cousin or a teacher or something, and that person will be absolutely central to a child’s self image. That’s roughly how I think of you. 

My sense of self, if it ever developed, is more or less gone now, and so I need you to fill in a lot of the blanks.

I will likely pay a lot of attention to you.

I may keep in mind, more or less at all times, how you would feel about or react to every decision I make. This will likely influence me in subtle and unconscious ways. 

Your mere presence may be a comfort to me, and your absence may be a source of anxiety.

Don’t assume that any of this is something I want to or can change. I may well love who I am.

I have insecurities and fears. Some of them are based in reality. Some of them are based on personal experiences I’ve had and defense mechanisms I’ve developed to deal with them. Some of them might just be psychotic delusions. It may be helpful for you to help me distinguish which ones are which, but you shouldn’t assume so without talking to me about it first.

Some of them will be about you. Even the psychotic ones. In fact, as we get closer to each other, it may become more and more likely that you’ll become the subject of some of my paranoid ideations. It may also be likely that I’ll simply misinterpret your actions as something that is threatening to me, intentionally or unintentionally. Ask me how best to deal with those times. 

Be prepared for me to be all over you one minute, to think that you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me and that I can trust you unconditionally, and the next minute for me to be utterly horrified of you, or to be seething with anger over the mildest slight. Be prepared for these states to change rapidly. I may actively rewrite history to suit my position at the time, and it’s likely that I’ll be unable to see any sort of grey area. Both of these positions will seem vividly real when I am experiencing them. This is not to be manipulative; even when I am aware that I believe this because of my brain wiring and not because it’s the truth, this is how things will seem in my mind.

Being borderline can be immensely difficult at times, especially when I can’t trust my perception of reality as it relates to our relationship. Please know that *I can’t help it*. I didn’t choose to experience my emotions this way and I don’t do it because it’s just oh-so-much-fun. This is me. 

I may well go out of my way to keep you happy, even if it means alterations to my sense of self. This again is not to be manipulative; it’s just how I do things. It might be helpful if you remind me of aspects about myself that you like or enjoy being around. 

I am being open and honest right now about what my needs are, and while they differ from those of many people, you have needs too and unless we have talked about them or formed some other way of communicating, I don’t know what they are. Things will be much easier between us if you communicate to me your boundaries and needs, and if you are consistent in maintaining them. This goes for every relationship, but it may have special implications for me both because of the way I do feelings and relationships and because what I’m asking is very different than what most people consider a healthy relationship.

Above all I am a human being, if one who has a set of needs that many people may have difficulty relating to. I am telling you this because I trust you, and because I think you’re great.

this so much this this this

i don’t have the spoons to add commentary beyond that— this is me, so much, yes.

bolded a lot of parts that really resonate with me though honestly the whole thing does

and i wish i could express myself this well about this, too

i don’t even know because i am already afraid

I want to reblog this in the hopes that others will also find it as.. wonderful and beautiful and inspiring and hopeful… as I did. <3

(Source: nevernotbroken)

equiuszahhak:

BEWARE: smoking weed can have dangerous side effects, such as never shutting the fuck up about the fact you smoke weed

(Source: hanamurateruteru, via itstimeforsomechange)

  • me at 7AM: tired
  • me at 12PM: tired
  • me at 3PM: tired
  • me at 7PM: tired
  • me at 10PM: tired
  • me at 2AM: TIME TO REDECORATE MY ENTIRE ROOM

dicktouching:

iwishlilbwasmygrandpa:

There is a very very large difference between Tumblr internet humor and actual humor

And it becomes obvious every time you try to tell a joke in real life.

(Source: flip5600, via lulz-time)

hroakie:

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(via flower-bong)