Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least I did that.

—One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (via this-is-exile)

(via irynka)

lauralittlex:

i want people to know i’m struggling but i don’t want people to know i’m struggling do you see my problem

(via deliriouschemicalkitten)

1. Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting.

2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister.

3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting,see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.

4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k.

6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids.

7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are.

My father’s recipe for the man I should marry (part 1/2 of a series). /// r.i.d  (via inkskinned)

(via myarmourfalls)

i am taught to scream “fire” when
a man grabs my wrists because i
have a bigger chance of getting
help than if i were to yell “rape”,
i am taught to keep my mouth shut
when a boy with bruised knuckles
whistles at me, i am taught long
sleeves in school, to hide my knee’s:
the threshold of my thighs, i am taught
short skirts and to wear cigarette burns
as punishments, i am taught to hold my
tongue in the palms of my brain, i am
taught to shut up, swallow my words,
chew my lipstick, speak when i am told,
i am taught to scream “fire” when a man
grabs my wrists, but he is never taught
“no”

—my sister eats acid  (via irynka)

(via irynka)

nowwheresmynut:

pyjamazombie:

I love this man XD

chilton was everything in this episode

(Source: spaceslayer, via v0tter)

my sister: oh my god
me: what?
my sister: i just realized something
me: ?
my sister: gaston is a nice guy.
me: ...? um, no, sorry, he's an asshole.
my sister: no, no, no, gaston is a 'nice guy'. think about it. he spends the whole beginning of the movie trying to be friendly to belle. everyone else in that town thinks she's a bookish freak with a crazy man for a father, but gaston like, talks to her and sort of tries to take an interest in her activities and compliments her and stuff with the complete 100% expectation that she's going to pay him back by being in a relationship with him. he tunes out what she actually says because he doesn't really think of her as a person, just a pretty trophy who should react to him the right way if he does the right things.
me: huh
my sister: and then when she hooks up with someone else, he gets all angry and shouty and insists that this other guy is a monster and she's lost her damn mind because she was supposed to fall for HIM, not someone else, and then he goes and stirs up the townsfolk into an angry mob and turns the whole thing into a witch hunt over his wounded pride.
me: O_O
my sister: gaston is a nice guy.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY